Why I’m Not Blogging Anymore

Not really!!!  That was the question posted, so I thought I’d give a little cliffhanger title to freak you out.  (That one’s for you, Michele.)

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship.  What is it?  What its requirements are?  How much should a friend expect from us as a friend?  How much should we expect from that friend?

I’ve wondered why is it that we call someone a best friend and love all her quirks and faults and say that’s who she is and that’s why we love her, but then…when we need her to be “there” for us, or to apologize, or to be more intuitive, or something else that’s probably outside of her personality, and she’s not, we throw up our hands in the air and crush that friend with hurtful, hateful words? 

Why is it that what we need we don’t often express until we are in a desperate moment and then we hurt those whom we love because they don’t infer what our problems are or that we even have problems?  Why is it that we expect that friend to meet those needs?  These are the questions that have been flying around my house for the last few days.  Praise the Lord I haven’t been the object of the questions…this time around.

When you first make a friend, there is something about that person that attracts you.  You don’t look at the flaws that person has.  You simply love whatever THAT quality is that attracted you.  You make her your friend, for better or worse.  The flaws don’t matter.  You may have different friends that you have different things in common with and you call on that friend when you want to do that particular thing.

So, why is it that when we start to notice that our friend doesn’t listen enough and talks too much (I’ve never been accused of that), or doesn’t say thank you, or is late all the time, or doesn’t do any number of things we may want her to do, it then starts to bother us?  After all, we want that friend to do what we need her to do precisely when we need her to do it.

It’s selfishness that causes this. When we start focusing on our needs and how someone isn’t meeting them, we’re being selfish.  When we say she is selfish, we’re being selfish for saying how selfish that person is.  Isn’t that an oxymoron? I have been guilty of doing this numerous times.  Also, jealousy usually is a factor in the equation.  The things that we support our friend in is suddenly the thing we resent her for and we call her boastful, on a powertrip, and more.

So, I have figured out the true meaning of friendship.  Friendship is when you accept someone for her flaws. You don’t expect her to be your everything. You remember that her love is shown to you simply by the act of being a friend.  And, you try to be sensitive to her needs, while remembering that you’re not the one who can satisfy all needs and she can’t satisfy yours, and you’re not supposed to.  Only the Lord can do that.  If your friend gives you a quirky little gift that you don’t really like, what do you do with it?  You save it because it came from her, right?  So, why is it that when the disagreements come, you think about how she never shows love in your “love language”?  You can’t do that.  You can’t throw things like that up.  You take the token of friendship, no matter what it is, for what it is…love.

Remember, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life.  When making friends, remember not to be all-absorbed with that person.  It’s too much.  Remember that there is supposed to be equal give and take with friendship, but if your friend isn’t in a place to give right now, that’s okay.  Cut her some slack.  Show some grace.  AND…if you make a friend more to you than your Savior, then you’re setting that friendship up for failure.

Living Without Mom

Last night while I was reading another chapter in Robin McGraw’s book Inside My Heart, I was hit snack in the face with a moment of grief.  This chapter deals with the death of Robin’s mother.  It was a sudden death; a heart attack caused the death of this mid-fifties lady.  Her mother was at home in her own bed. Robin was a young mother of one child. She felt compelled to immediately take care of her Daddy and her siblings.

In 1993, I suddenly lost my mother to a heart attack. She was in her mid-fifties.  My mother was at home in her own bed.  I was a young mother of one child. I immediately felt compelled to take care of my Dad and my sister. 

You can imagine the tears that came to my eyes when I read the scene at the hospital when the nursing staff had to break the news of their loss.  It was as if I was reading my own story of that tragic morning. 

Robin’s words touched my heart because she expressed what I’ve never really been able to express.  She said that her mother had made her a pie and was bringing it over to her house to help her unpack from moving into their new house just the night before.  Although her mother was having chest pains, she continued to bake that pie and get it ready to bring over as a love gift to her daughter.  Robin said that she couldn’t eat that pie the next day.  She made Phillip throw it away.  She said that she couldn’t eat it because, even though it was a gift of love from her mother, it was also a symbol of the martyr her mother had allowed herself to become.  She had neglected herself, her health, her wants and needs for everyone in the family.  She had forgotten to take care of herself. 

My own mother did the same thing.  Because of medical expenses and my father’s complaints about healthcare costs, mom kept a lot of her pain to herself.  Even the doctors did not know what all she was going through.  That was the story of her life.  And we all allowed it to happen.  Then, in a flash, she was gone.  After the fact, I felt like I had to step in and be a superhero and save the day and pay the bills and clean the house and do whatever else I had to do to postpone the grieving process.  Robin said she was in a daze for days. I’ve been in that daze.  It’s not a fun place to be because everyone expects you to deal with everything they can’t deal with.

That chapter taught me the importance of being real. Letting people see your weaknesses. Not worrying about whether or not they respect you for them. So, do I still miss my mom? After reading that chapter, yes, I do.  And I’m not afraid to admit it.  But, I am able to press on because the Lord is by my side and mom is by His.

In the Strangest Places

I am currently reading a book written by Dr. Phil’s wife Robin.  It’s called Inside My Heart.  I picked it up at the library while searching through the Christian non-fiction section. I have often wondered about their family and what their views are on Christianity.  You know, I like to get inside someone’s head about as much as Dr. Phil does. 

Well, I never thought this book would be such a little treasure.  Robin is a spitfire, and I guess she would have to be to live with Dr. Phil.  I am not through with the book yet, so I will likely have an update to this.  But, I find it to be quite empowering.  She talks a lot about how we cannot just sit back and let life happen to us.  We do have some control over our circumstances.  Many of us just sit back and say “Woe is me,” and just let life happen.  Robin says that although God is in control, he can only (or will only) do with us what we allow him to do with us. So true.  She says that God has so much for us if we would only grab it.  She is a believer that there is much happiness out there for each of us if we would only look for it.

I totally agree with her.  I have had many a day where I just sat here wallowing in my self-pity or my disatisfaction with whatever was going on in my life at that particular moment.  I am sure I will have many more of those days.  But, this book has confirmed to me that “you are what you eat” to a big degree.  I mean if we believe that God has the best in store for us (his best for us, not for someone else) then we should be able to rise up out of our current circumstances and accept his gifts to us. If you only eat junk, you’ll be junk.  If you eat good stuff, you get good results.